Excitement and Disappointment

Far too long. Far too long. I don't know why I let this go for months at a time when I find it so therapeutic. I'm only hurting myself when I do so.

I've had a bit of a rough emotional patch this week. I experienced the arrival of my precious great-granddaughter Melonie Moon Josephine Helgeson-Willis on the 11th, which was an unexplainable high. Then I found out some people were talking behind my back about me showing one-sided attention to this baby.

I allowed that to distract me for a minute, but no more than that. I'm letting go of it. I cannot do anything about someone else's feelings and I'm not going to let anyone else steal my joy.

The End is Near

(Forgive the weird placement of punctuation and such...I don't think this program likes Chrome and Chrome is what I'm using.)

When I look back on 2017, I won't think of it as a year of pain, but a year of growth. I made it through each day, even the death of my dad. I am a better me, despite all the hardships. I will take a deep breath and enter 2018 with hope and confidence.

Experiencing Dad's death has me thinking of my own mortality. What I'm most afraid of is that life will go on and i will be forgotten. I know that isn't true. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Dad and miss him terribly. It will be the same for me as well.

I believe in God. i believe that Jesus died, was buried and rose again. Just as Jesus was resurrected and is alive, so will I be alive when Jesus comes. I think I just don't want to leave my family behind. I want them to live with me in Heaven, too.

Our lives here are but a whisper. Seventy, eighty, maybe a few more years and then we're gone. What is my contribution to the world?  The one thing I want to accomplish before I die is to see my family believe. This is my ultimate goal.

About that. I'm trusting God to create opportunities to share and give me the right words to say. I will also pray that God would send workers (and angels) that can present the gospel in a personal way to the hearer.

I'm currently nursing a swollen left hand and a possible broken or sprained finger. I took a tumble (gracefully, of course) at Jeremy's the other evening. As I walked into the house; my shoe caught on the metal strip on the doorway. I was carrying three Christmas gifts; down I went and the packages flew across the floor. I'm sure it was quite comical! I also have bruises on my arm and leg. I have such a fear of falling, which could contribute to why I fall so much.

Joel left to go work out and, hopefully, pick up groceries after. I took advantage of the solitude to give in to the grief I feel over losing Dad. There's still a part of me that feels some disbelief that Dad is gone.

Why is this so hard for me? Most people my age have lost one or both parents; it's not unusual. We were fortunate to have had Dad in our lives as long as we did. Dad was very special. He very rarely got angry, had a witty sense of humor, loved his family, babies and animals. He was proud of serving in Korea, he enjoyed having coffee with his buddies and solving the puzzles on "Wheel of Fortune" every weeknight at 6:30 on Channel 4. He was a man who lived his life on a schedule (at the end) and because we loved him so much, we accommodated him. He was who we lived for, especially the last six months of his life.

It wasn't always easy. I don't know about the other girls, but there were times I was close to my breaking point. Of course, living with Dad exposed me to all the aspects of his dementia; it was frustrating for Dad, too. He didn't understand what was happening to him or why his mind was making him think a certain way.

For that reason, and because he's no longer in pain, I wouldn't want him back in his earthly body. It would be purely selfish on my part. He sleeps. He rests and waits. It's a comfort to know I will see Dad and Mom again.

In about three weeks or so, I'm hosting a family dinner. With spouses and kids, there could be 17 extra people here! I've decided to make beef pot roast with all the fixin's. It'll be a lot of work on my part, but I'm looking forward to it.

Joel had been gone for about two hours now...a good sign that he went to the store after working out. Checking the app "Out of Milk," though, doesn't indicate whether the items I had listed there have been crossed off.

I want 2018 to be my year and so:
     I won't sit on the couch and wait for it. I will go out and make a change.
     I will smile more. I will be excited. I will do new things.
     I will throw away what I've been cluttering. I will unfollow negative people on social media.
     I will go to bed early. I will wake up early. I will be fierce. I will not gossip. I will show more                   gratitude. I will do things that challenge me.
     I will be brave.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Isn't that encouraging? I truly don't have to worry about my future because God is saying to me, "Don't fret and have anxiety over this, Child. I've got this." When I think on this truth, meditate on God's Word and believe, then it becomes real in my life.

The year is coming to a close. I'm glad to see it end. The first half was spent taking care of Dad and watching his decline. The second half was dealing with his death. I don't know which was worse. In fact, grief will take a lot longer. I don't know if I'll ever get used to having Dad gone.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

I don't understand how anyone could (or would) go through hard times without the peace and love of God to carry them through.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38)

I love this verse because it tells me no matter where I am, God's love is there for me. Walking through this heartbreaking part of my life is only tolerable because God is with me.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

I just returned from outside. There is new snow and, even though it's very cold, the yard and field across the road looks clean and pristine. I inhale, looking for that distinct "wet mitten-fresh snow" scent from childhood. It is faint, yet if I close my eyes, it's there. This makes me happy and I return to a time in my life when both my parents were alive and life, at least for me, was simpler.

I can't even begin to describe how much I miss Dad. Knowing that we're coming up on six months without him is unbelievable. I want to call him. I want to visit him and have him show me his newest finds. To grieve someone is hard. To grieve someone like my dad is nearly impossible.

I just tried calling Dad's home and cell phone numbers. God only knows why. Maybe he had a voicemail set up and his numbers were still active. I hoped. The home number wasn't active and someone else had his cell phone number now. It's just one more point of contact that has been taken from me.

Which one, Lord?

I remember telling God once that if He gave me a choice of senses, He could take away my hearing.  

I don't like noise.  I sleep with earplugs and sometimes even wear them during the day when my husband is watching his political shows hour after hour.  I don't listen to the radio in the car as this is my private space.  When I'm alone, TV doesn't even come on.

Or He could take away my sense of smell.  I read somewhere that when you don't smell your food, you can't taste it.  What a great diet plan.  If I couldn't smell or taste my food, what's the point of eating so much of it or the wrong things?

But no.  This week I found out I have Glaucoma caused by Pigment Disbursement.  There's nothing that can be done about it, other than drops or maybe surgery that may or may not work.  I may go blind.

This is when I put my full trust in God.  This is where the metal hits the road and I put my faith to the test.  Do I trust that He knows what He's doing with me?  How is this going to play in His plan for my life?  It's an interesting thought.  Although I'm scared, a little angry, and a bit confused, I'm also curious about all this.

More later...

Suspicions

I know I'm not crazy, but that's how I've been feeling lately. Things have been happening in this house that would sound crazy to anyone.

For instance:  I had a bottle of water in the refrigerator that I had filled to the top and twisted the cap tight. I wanted cold water for the morning. When I went to drink my water, I noticed that half of the water was gone. I asked Joel about it and was just going to remind him to fill it back up again if he was going to drink out of the bottle. Even though the only two people in the house was Joel and I, he denied having anything to do with the bottle. Well, I knew I didn't do it because I went to bed immediately after filling it.  I sleep super lightly and never get out of bed once I'm in it. I threw the water out and didn't drink out of that particular bottle.

There was also a brand new bottle that was supposedly sealed, but someone had untightened the seal and put it back to make it look as if it were new.  I threw that one out as well.

Then there was the cake. I had two pieces left. When I took a piece of cake, I noticed the last piece had poke marks in it, as if someone had taken their fingers and poked into the cake. I was a little perturbed about that because, well, why would someone do that? Joel says he doesn't like that cake so it would have had to have been done out of spite. Or something. The next morning I looked at the cake again and the poke marks were gone and the frosting had been smoothed over. Because it was a coconut frosted cake, you could tell there had been smoothed over marks.

I've also had inventory missing...that is, until I mention it. Then all of a sudden, Joel throws the item at me and says I can have one of his.

Today he brought over a bottle of wine for me to taste...something he's NEVER done.  Things could sit in that refrigerator for months on end and he'd never notice it. All of a sudden he wants to clean out the top of the refrigerator. Just the top shelf. Where the wine bottle is. So I could taste it.

I know how crazy this sounds. Is he putting things in my food and drink to make me sick? I doubt it. But he may be doing things to make it look that way because it's fun to make me feel as if I'm going crazy. He does it with things I say, things I haven't said, things he says and things he hasn't said. He pretends to not understand what I'm talking about when I know I'm speaking clearly.

Sleeping and dreaming is my escape.

We become what we think about. –Earl Nightingale

Proverbs 23:7 says it this way: "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."

It's a difficult thing to take your mind and emotions, our very being and who we think we are, and turn it about in such a short about of time. We can portray a very pretty picture out "there", where people see us, can't we?  We plaster on that mask we call makeup until we barely recognize our own faces, then do our hair in intricate ways, put on beautiful dresses and go out into the world.  But what is underneath all that?

For me, I'm covering up years of being ignored and abused by my mother when she was probably fed up with her own life, sexually abused by an older brother, an uncle, family friends, my brother's friends (it was fun at parties to pass me around, you see), living in the chaos of an alcoholic home, having a grandma who doted on two of the children (who never did anything wrong), but barely glancing my way.  I'm masking feeling ugly, fat, never good enough, the memories of having an abusive, monstrous first marriage and the horrors he caused my children, having children who have many resentments toward me now,

Yes, I wear a huge mask.  I'm constantly waiting for my turn, while at the same time knowing it will never come.  I'm looking out the window on a rainy, March day waiting for Mom and Dad to come pick me up because it's my birthday and I'm sure they have supper waiting for me.  They never came, even though I waited by that window until well past midnight.

But cover we must, for who wants to see the real person?  If someone does dare to share what's really on their heart, most run in the opposite direction.  It hits too close to home and no one wants to deal with it.  

I'm sad and angry.  I want to spend my days curled up in my bed and not even get dressed.  I find my self fighting tears...I think of my children and what they're dealing with and I can't help them.  Even if I could, they don't want my help.  That ship sailed a long time ago, thanks to my ex-husband and his child-molesting, family-killing ways.  He told them I was no good, that I wasn't a good mother, and they believed him.  They still do.  I don't blame them.  They were children and he was scary.  My heart aches and I grasp onto any glimmer of hope that they might be reconciliation one day.

Nothing Has Changed

Last night before going to bed, I glanced at one of my old journals from two years ago.  I was shocked!  It could have been written yesterday!

Nothing has changed.

Joel and I still struggle with communication.  I am still lonely and unhappy.  Joel goes on with his life with no clue as to what is going on around him.

We do talk sometimes.  When things get to be too much for me to carry by myself, I tell him we need to have a conversation.  He acts surprised, tells me he couldn't imagine life without me, that I am the love of his life, I am the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of before he goes to bed at night...

Yada yada yada.

Then he returns to his computer and his Amazon freebies and his eBay sales and tunes me out.  He doesn't understand that I am a woman and NEED to be told and shown that he loves me.  I'm a dying plant and he holds the watering can, only he's hoarding it because it's his and why should he share because it was his when we got married.  I should get my own water.

I am not kidding.  This is exactly how he feels about his things and my things. If it was his prior to us getting married, it is his and his alone now.  I have never once felt like this is my house.  In fact, I pay rent to live here.  Maybe you can see my point.

This isn't a marriage.  This is an arrangement. 

I can sit in my recliner in the corner and have a complete conversation (one-side as it is) with him and he won't hear a thing.  I will question and answer myself silly.  Sometimes he will answer, then not remember later that we even had the conversation.  Once he even told me he was deliberately ignoring me because he assumed I was on the phone.

Why do I stay?  Because after I pay my Medicare insurance and Medicare supplemental insurance, I have a little over $800 a month to live on.  Out of that, $300 goes to Joel for my living expenses and the rest goes to my credit card payments and groceries, gas and miscellaneous.  There is no possible way for me to get out on my own.  I think Joel knows this and takes advantage of it. I know he would never help me leave financially. I would be on my own with no money and nowhere to go.

So stay I must.  

Is this how Mom felt when she sat on the computer all day and occupied herself with Bingo and slot games?  She and Dad had separate bedrooms and rarely talked unless they had company.  Sadly, that's how Joel and I are, too.  How animated he becomes when we have visitors!  The smiles and the laughter is poured out like champagne on New Years Eve at midnight!  He is so charming and cute, people love him and have no idea why I could be so sad.  With the slamming of the door after they leave, his entire countenance reverts back to silence...and I revert back to my chair in the corner.  

No one sees the many tears I shed every day.  My heart actually aches (yes, that is a thing) when I think of how my life has turned out.  It isn't being ungrateful.  I was happy when I first moved here and we have the same things we did then.  I'm sad because I'm invisible to the man who said he loved me.  I have struggled my entire life with love and thought I have finally found it with Joel.  But no.

Maybe I'm not supposed to have physical or emotional love.  Maybe my focus is supposed to be on loving others, not receiving it except from God alone.  How I wish I would have listened prior to being all caught up and thinking with my heart instead of with my head.

I tell myself...and those who may be wondering...there is NOTHING wrong with being single.  There is a great blessing in that state of being.  You can set up your home or apartment the way you like and it will stay the way you leave it. You can come and go as you please.  You answer to no one (except God, but that's true for all of us).  

In other words, you are free to worship, free to serve, free to do God's work without anything holding you back.  Oh, that I could!  I made the huge mistake of marrying a man who doesn't believe God exists because one day he told God to make Himself known and God was silent.  On that basis and that basis alone, Joel has decided God does not exist.

Let me tell you what that's like.  We can watch show upon show of aliens, zombies, witches, etc.  But put a show on that has an image of a church steeple five miles away and it screams "CHRISTIAN" to Joel and he won't watch it.  He'll be kind enough to record it for me, but I can only watch it when he's not around.  Problem is, he's never "not" around.

Same with music.  I can be inundated with the melodic sounds of Pink, Miley Cyrus, or Adele, but Joel will blow up in a million pieces (apparently) if I listen to Christian music. 

Listen to me on this one, kids....

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.  For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?  And what accord has Christ with Belial?  Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?  and what agreement has the temple of god with idols?  For you are the temple of the living God.  As God has said?

''I will dwell in them and walk among them.  I will be their God, and the shall be My people."

Therefore, come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord.  Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.  I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." 

This scripture isn't given to us to punish us or take away our fun.  It's to protect us from heartache.  Listen to this hard-hearted old woman who thought she knew what was best for her.

I believe God will show me a way that I should go.  He's good like that.  Even in my mistakes, when I bring them to Him and see His forgiveness, He forgives me and shows me where to go from there.  I am trusting Him in that.  I cannot do it on my own.  It's impossible.  But my God is not stopped by worldly limits.  

I put my trust in the One who created us all.  He will make all things right again.