I know I'm not crazy, but that's how I've been feeling lately. Things have been happening in this house that would sound crazy to anyone.
For instance: I had a bottle of water in the refrigerator that I had filled to the top and twisted the cap tight. I wanted cold water for the morning. When I went to drink my water, I noticed that half of the water was gone. I asked Joel about it and was just going to remind him to fill it back up again if he was going to drink out of the bottle. Even though the only two people in the house was Joel and I, he denied having anything to do with the bottle. Well, I knew I didn't do it because I went to bed immediately after filling it. I sleep super lightly and never get out of bed once I'm in it. I threw the water out and didn't drink out of that particular bottle.
There was also a brand new bottle that was supposedly sealed, but someone had untightened the seal and put it back to make it look as if it were new. I threw that one out as well.
Then there was the cake. I had two pieces left. When I took a piece of cake, I noticed the last piece had poke marks in it, as if someone had taken their fingers and poked into the cake. I was a little perturbed about that because, well, why would someone do that? Joel says he doesn't like that cake so it would have had to have been done out of spite. Or something. The next morning I looked at the cake again and the poke marks were gone and the frosting had been smoothed over. Because it was a coconut frosted cake, you could tell there had been smoothed over marks.
I've also had inventory missing...that is, until I mention it. Then all of a sudden, Joel throws the item at me and says I can have one of his.
Today he brought over a bottle of wine for me to taste...something he's NEVER done. Things could sit in that refrigerator for months on end and he'd never notice it. All of a sudden he wants to clean out the top of the refrigerator. Just the top shelf. Where the wine bottle is. So I could taste it.
I know how crazy this sounds. Is he putting things in my food and drink to make me sick? I doubt it. But he may be doing things to make it look that way because it's fun to make me feel as if I'm going crazy. He does it with things I say, things I haven't said, things he says and things he hasn't said. He pretends to not understand what I'm talking about when I know I'm speaking clearly.
Sleeping and dreaming is my escape.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
We become what we think about. –Earl Nightingale
Proverbs 23:7 says it this way: "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."
It's a difficult thing to take your mind and emotions, our very being and who we think we are, and turn it about in such a short about of time. We can portray a very pretty picture out "there", where people see us, can't we? We plaster on that mask we call makeup until we barely recognize our own faces, then do our hair in intricate ways, put on beautiful dresses and go out into the world. But what is underneath all that?
For me, I'm covering up years of being ignored and abused by my mother when she was probably fed up with her own life, sexually abused by an older brother, an uncle, family friends, my brother's friends (it was fun at parties to pass me around, you see), living in the chaos of an alcoholic home, having a grandma who doted on two of the children (who never did anything wrong), but barely glancing my way. I'm masking feeling ugly, fat, never good enough, the memories of having an abusive, monstrous first marriage and the horrors he caused my children, having children who have many resentments toward me now,
Yes, I wear a huge mask. I'm constantly waiting for my turn, while at the same time knowing it will never come. I'm looking out the window on a rainy, March day waiting for Mom and Dad to come pick me up because it's my birthday and I'm sure they have supper waiting for me. They never came, even though I waited by that window until well past midnight.
But cover we must, for who wants to see the real person? If someone does dare to share what's really on their heart, most run in the opposite direction. It hits too close to home and no one wants to deal with it.
I'm sad and angry. I want to spend my days curled up in my bed and not even get dressed. I find my self fighting tears...I think of my children and what they're dealing with and I can't help them. Even if I could, they don't want my help. That ship sailed a long time ago, thanks to my ex-husband and his child-molesting, family-killing ways. He told them I was no good, that I wasn't a good mother, and they believed him. They still do. I don't blame them. They were children and he was scary. My heart aches and I grasp onto any glimmer of hope that they might be reconciliation one day.
It's a difficult thing to take your mind and emotions, our very being and who we think we are, and turn it about in such a short about of time. We can portray a very pretty picture out "there", where people see us, can't we? We plaster on that mask we call makeup until we barely recognize our own faces, then do our hair in intricate ways, put on beautiful dresses and go out into the world. But what is underneath all that?
For me, I'm covering up years of being ignored and abused by my mother when she was probably fed up with her own life, sexually abused by an older brother, an uncle, family friends, my brother's friends (it was fun at parties to pass me around, you see), living in the chaos of an alcoholic home, having a grandma who doted on two of the children (who never did anything wrong), but barely glancing my way. I'm masking feeling ugly, fat, never good enough, the memories of having an abusive, monstrous first marriage and the horrors he caused my children, having children who have many resentments toward me now,
Yes, I wear a huge mask. I'm constantly waiting for my turn, while at the same time knowing it will never come. I'm looking out the window on a rainy, March day waiting for Mom and Dad to come pick me up because it's my birthday and I'm sure they have supper waiting for me. They never came, even though I waited by that window until well past midnight.
But cover we must, for who wants to see the real person? If someone does dare to share what's really on their heart, most run in the opposite direction. It hits too close to home and no one wants to deal with it.
I'm sad and angry. I want to spend my days curled up in my bed and not even get dressed. I find my self fighting tears...I think of my children and what they're dealing with and I can't help them. Even if I could, they don't want my help. That ship sailed a long time ago, thanks to my ex-husband and his child-molesting, family-killing ways. He told them I was no good, that I wasn't a good mother, and they believed him. They still do. I don't blame them. They were children and he was scary. My heart aches and I grasp onto any glimmer of hope that they might be reconciliation one day.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Nothing Has Changed
Last night before going to bed, I glanced at one of my old journals from two years ago. I was shocked! It could have been written yesterday!
Nothing has changed.
Joel and I still struggle with communication. I am still lonely and unhappy. Joel goes on with his life with no clue as to what is going on around him.
We do talk sometimes. When things get to be too much for me to carry by myself, I tell him we need to have a conversation. He acts surprised, tells me he couldn't imagine life without me, that I am the love of his life, I am the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of before he goes to bed at night...
Yada yada yada.
Then he returns to his computer and his Amazon freebies and his eBay sales and tunes me out. He doesn't understand that I am a woman and NEED to be told and shown that he loves me. I'm a dying plant and he holds the watering can, only he's hoarding it because it's his and why should he share because it was his when we got married. I should get my own water.
I am not kidding. This is exactly how he feels about his things and my things. If it was his prior to us getting married, it is his and his alone now. I have never once felt like this is my house. In fact, I pay rent to live here. Maybe you can see my point.
This isn't a marriage. This is an arrangement.
I can sit in my recliner in the corner and have a complete conversation (one-side as it is) with him and he won't hear a thing. I will question and answer myself silly. Sometimes he will answer, then not remember later that we even had the conversation. Once he even told me he was deliberately ignoring me because he assumed I was on the phone.
Why do I stay? Because after I pay my Medicare insurance and Medicare supplemental insurance, I have a little over $800 a month to live on. Out of that, $300 goes to Joel for my living expenses and the rest goes to my credit card payments and groceries, gas and miscellaneous. There is no possible way for me to get out on my own. I think Joel knows this and takes advantage of it. I know he would never help me leave financially. I would be on my own with no money and nowhere to go.
So stay I must.
Is this how Mom felt when she sat on the computer all day and occupied herself with Bingo and slot games? She and Dad had separate bedrooms and rarely talked unless they had company. Sadly, that's how Joel and I are, too. How animated he becomes when we have visitors! The smiles and the laughter is poured out like champagne on New Years Eve at midnight! He is so charming and cute, people love him and have no idea why I could be so sad. With the slamming of the door after they leave, his entire countenance reverts back to silence...and I revert back to my chair in the corner.
No one sees the many tears I shed every day. My heart actually aches (yes, that is a thing) when I think of how my life has turned out. It isn't being ungrateful. I was happy when I first moved here and we have the same things we did then. I'm sad because I'm invisible to the man who said he loved me. I have struggled my entire life with love and thought I have finally found it with Joel. But no.
Maybe I'm not supposed to have physical or emotional love. Maybe my focus is supposed to be on loving others, not receiving it except from God alone. How I wish I would have listened prior to being all caught up and thinking with my heart instead of with my head.
I tell myself...and those who may be wondering...there is NOTHING wrong with being single. There is a great blessing in that state of being. You can set up your home or apartment the way you like and it will stay the way you leave it. You can come and go as you please. You answer to no one (except God, but that's true for all of us).
In other words, you are free to worship, free to serve, free to do God's work without anything holding you back. Oh, that I could! I made the huge mistake of marrying a man who doesn't believe God exists because one day he told God to make Himself known and God was silent. On that basis and that basis alone, Joel has decided God does not exist.
Let me tell you what that's like. We can watch show upon show of aliens, zombies, witches, etc. But put a show on that has an image of a church steeple five miles away and it screams "CHRISTIAN" to Joel and he won't watch it. He'll be kind enough to record it for me, but I can only watch it when he's not around. Problem is, he's never "not" around.
Same with music. I can be inundated with the melodic sounds of Pink, Miley Cyrus, or Adele, but Joel will blow up in a million pieces (apparently) if I listen to Christian music.
Listen to me on this one, kids....
"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? and what agreement has the temple of god with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said?
''I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and the shall be My people."
Therefore, come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."
This scripture isn't given to us to punish us or take away our fun. It's to protect us from heartache. Listen to this hard-hearted old woman who thought she knew what was best for her.
I believe God will show me a way that I should go. He's good like that. Even in my mistakes, when I bring them to Him and see His forgiveness, He forgives me and shows me where to go from there. I am trusting Him in that. I cannot do it on my own. It's impossible. But my God is not stopped by worldly limits.
I put my trust in the One who created us all. He will make all things right again.
Nothing has changed.
Joel and I still struggle with communication. I am still lonely and unhappy. Joel goes on with his life with no clue as to what is going on around him.
We do talk sometimes. When things get to be too much for me to carry by myself, I tell him we need to have a conversation. He acts surprised, tells me he couldn't imagine life without me, that I am the love of his life, I am the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of before he goes to bed at night...
Yada yada yada.
Then he returns to his computer and his Amazon freebies and his eBay sales and tunes me out. He doesn't understand that I am a woman and NEED to be told and shown that he loves me. I'm a dying plant and he holds the watering can, only he's hoarding it because it's his and why should he share because it was his when we got married. I should get my own water.
I am not kidding. This is exactly how he feels about his things and my things. If it was his prior to us getting married, it is his and his alone now. I have never once felt like this is my house. In fact, I pay rent to live here. Maybe you can see my point.
This isn't a marriage. This is an arrangement.
I can sit in my recliner in the corner and have a complete conversation (one-side as it is) with him and he won't hear a thing. I will question and answer myself silly. Sometimes he will answer, then not remember later that we even had the conversation. Once he even told me he was deliberately ignoring me because he assumed I was on the phone.
Why do I stay? Because after I pay my Medicare insurance and Medicare supplemental insurance, I have a little over $800 a month to live on. Out of that, $300 goes to Joel for my living expenses and the rest goes to my credit card payments and groceries, gas and miscellaneous. There is no possible way for me to get out on my own. I think Joel knows this and takes advantage of it. I know he would never help me leave financially. I would be on my own with no money and nowhere to go.
So stay I must.
Is this how Mom felt when she sat on the computer all day and occupied herself with Bingo and slot games? She and Dad had separate bedrooms and rarely talked unless they had company. Sadly, that's how Joel and I are, too. How animated he becomes when we have visitors! The smiles and the laughter is poured out like champagne on New Years Eve at midnight! He is so charming and cute, people love him and have no idea why I could be so sad. With the slamming of the door after they leave, his entire countenance reverts back to silence...and I revert back to my chair in the corner.
No one sees the many tears I shed every day. My heart actually aches (yes, that is a thing) when I think of how my life has turned out. It isn't being ungrateful. I was happy when I first moved here and we have the same things we did then. I'm sad because I'm invisible to the man who said he loved me. I have struggled my entire life with love and thought I have finally found it with Joel. But no.
Maybe I'm not supposed to have physical or emotional love. Maybe my focus is supposed to be on loving others, not receiving it except from God alone. How I wish I would have listened prior to being all caught up and thinking with my heart instead of with my head.
I tell myself...and those who may be wondering...there is NOTHING wrong with being single. There is a great blessing in that state of being. You can set up your home or apartment the way you like and it will stay the way you leave it. You can come and go as you please. You answer to no one (except God, but that's true for all of us).
In other words, you are free to worship, free to serve, free to do God's work without anything holding you back. Oh, that I could! I made the huge mistake of marrying a man who doesn't believe God exists because one day he told God to make Himself known and God was silent. On that basis and that basis alone, Joel has decided God does not exist.
Let me tell you what that's like. We can watch show upon show of aliens, zombies, witches, etc. But put a show on that has an image of a church steeple five miles away and it screams "CHRISTIAN" to Joel and he won't watch it. He'll be kind enough to record it for me, but I can only watch it when he's not around. Problem is, he's never "not" around.
Same with music. I can be inundated with the melodic sounds of Pink, Miley Cyrus, or Adele, but Joel will blow up in a million pieces (apparently) if I listen to Christian music.
Listen to me on this one, kids....
"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? and what agreement has the temple of god with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said?
''I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and the shall be My people."
Therefore, come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."
This scripture isn't given to us to punish us or take away our fun. It's to protect us from heartache. Listen to this hard-hearted old woman who thought she knew what was best for her.
I believe God will show me a way that I should go. He's good like that. Even in my mistakes, when I bring them to Him and see His forgiveness, He forgives me and shows me where to go from there. I am trusting Him in that. I cannot do it on my own. It's impossible. But my God is not stopped by worldly limits.
I put my trust in the One who created us all. He will make all things right again.
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